how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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