The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Houston, we have a blender
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
