i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
