I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
