If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
