you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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