He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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