the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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