ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
