If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
