What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
