Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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