too bad you live with your parents still
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
