So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
