I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
