I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
