Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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