I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
