I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
