Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You left your phone here
Wait...
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
