1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
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