She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
