he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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