Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
