Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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