forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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