FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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