Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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