I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
