I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
