so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
