How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
