My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
