Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You don't make any sense
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