saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
