so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
