I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
