You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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