Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
