since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
