he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
This is classic penis vs brain.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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