So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
