She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
And then my night got REAL pukey
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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