So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the condom got lost in my hair
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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