So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
