i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
