he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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