If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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