I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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