I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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