My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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