I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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