This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
