I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.