Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked