She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
