I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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