the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
