Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
