How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude i'm inner monologue high
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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